| En el Closet. W-Slash,Bulimia,Mild sexual themes. |
[May. 26th, 2009|06:48 pm] |
Brendon got ready to let the pain of the last few days out as his knees hit the cold tile. He couldn't wait to add another bruise to his right knuckle, so he hastily shoved his dry finger as far down his throat as he could. He gripped onto the toilet so hard that his fingers went numb. He felt all of his troubles leave as his eyes watered and his abdomen tightened, then let go. The only time that he truly felt alive was when was when he was here, in his own little branch of the world. After rinsing his mouth out, he found himself staring into the bathroom mirror. He wasn't sure if he knew who was staring back, but that guy was definitely fucked up.
He left the bathroom and crept to his room, careful not to wake anyone. He let out a sigh as he pulled off his shirt first, then his pants. He slowly walked over to the full length mirror that adorned his wall and tugged his boxers down a little. He thumbed the bones that jutted out at his hips. He ran his hands from his hips to his sides, then his stomach. He pinched what he thought was fat and bit his lip in annoyance. He stood in front of the mirror counting his imperfections for what seemed like hours. The funny thing is that the only thing that Brendon genuinely liked about his body was his near-perfect backside. He grew tired and sulked over to his bed after whispering, "Why can't I be one of the beautiful people?"
When morning came, Brendon's daily ritual came, too. He usually woke up early because sometimes it literally took hours for him to find a "decent" outfit. After slipping on a pair of black skinny jeans, he found himself back at the mirror. He studied that pair of pants for 15 minutes, opting to find another pair because those made his legs "look fat." After about and hour of putting on clothes and taking some of them right back off, he decided to wear his favorite pair of red jeans with a black V-neck shirt and a black and red hoodie. He completed the out fit with a pair of black low Chuck Taylors.
After brushing his teeth and lining the corners of his deep chocolate eyes, he was ready to go to school. For him, academics was a breeze. He wasn't Einstein, but he maintained decent grades. It took him 15 minutes to get from his house to the school's parking lot. He parked his car in the student lot, grabbed is bag, and made his way to the commons. His friends were always there waiting for him. He didn't have many friends, and he tried to cherish the ones that he had. Sometimes, he couldn't help but be a bit jealous of his friend William, though.
William was tall, thin, and handsome. All of the things that Brendon was convinced that he couldn't be, especially the tall part. The rest of his "crew" included Gabe, Jon, and Spencer. Gabe is William's boyfriend and a little too crazy for most peoples' taste. Jon is pretty average, I guess. Aside from the fact that he's a great football player. Spencer is pretty quiet, but too adorable not to love. They've been friends since grade school.
After he arrived at their spot, he was surprised to see one extra person, who happened to be sitting in his seat. "Um, hey guys and newboythathappenstobesittinginmyspot," He greeted the group. The unfamiliar boy's cheeks turned a beautiful shade of crimson as he looked up at Brendon, then back down to his hands. "This is my cousin, Ryan. Way to make a first impression Brenerino," Spencer informed Brendon. "Oh come on, I was only joking! Hey, I'm Brendon...you're cute," He commented and stuck his hand out for Ryan to shake. For the second time that morning, Ryan's cheeks reddened and he took Brendon's hand mumbled a shy thanks.
Brendon's a great actor, his friends know nothing of his constant internal conflicts. Around them, he's always straight forward and hyper. It's what they've come to expect from him, at least that's what he thinks.
"Hey Bren, Ryan's schedule is like, the same as yours. You don't mind showing him around, do you?" Gabe piped in.
"No, of course not. Being seen with a cutie like him would make my day," Brendon joked causing Ryan to smile.
"You know, I think I'm gonna have lots of fun with you," Ryan added.
They sat around and Brendon occasionally took part in the idle chatter until the bell rang. As the boys began walking to their first class, one of the football players stopped them.
He pushed Brendon into a nearby locker, making him wince as his back hit the hard metal.
"Ugh, what the fuck Jordan!" Brendon yelled more of a statement than question as his head jolted back to hit the locker.
"Hey, fag, who's your new buddy? " Jordan taunted, his voice laced with hate.
"Look, leave him the fuck alone! He didn't do anything to you, now just let us go to class," Ryan said, much to Brendon's surprise.
Jordan's attention quickly turned from Brendon to Ryan as he began to hit him. After about three punches, Brendon got over the shock and started to pull the much bigger boy away from Ryan.
"Stop, you'll kill him!" Brendon yelled as he used every bit of his strength to pull Jordan off.
Jordan finally gave in, giving Ryan one last kick and muttering, "Next time, keep your fucking mouth shut!"
Brendon immediately fell to his knees at Ryan's side, inspecting his newly acquired cuts and bruises. He decided to bring him to the nurses office to get himself cleaned up and skip the rest of first period.
"Ryan, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't be getting beat up on your first day," Brendon stated apologetically.
He picked up the smaller boy and did his best to walk him to the nurse. They walked in total silence the whole time. Brendon was starting to feel worst second by second. They got to the nurses office after five minutes of Ryan moaning in pain and Brendon spewing out soft apologies. The nurse took Ryan in after a quick talk with Brendon.
"Honey, does this hurt?" Nurse Linda asked as she applied a little pressure to Ryan's ribs.
He only did his best to move away from her as he nodded his head. She gently wrapped his abdomen and cleaned his cheek and lip. She also applied medicine to his newly blackened eye. Brendon could help but feel as though this was all his fault. If he would've reacted faster, Ryan wouldn't be lying on the nurse's table right now.
"Why don't you take him home, Brendon," The nurse suggested, feeling sorry for Ryan.
"No, I'm staying. I'm not a coward and I'm NOT going to run home just because I got my ass kicked," Ryan piped in, once again surprising Brendon. Ryan got up as quickly as he could and grabbed his bag heading for the door.
"Are you coming, or not?" He questioned, cocking an eyebrow at Brendon.
Brendon could only nod his head. He might not know much about this kid, but he had a feeling that he was definitely going to have an interesting relationship with him. He waved goodbye to the nurse and stalked out behind Ryan.
"I'm sorry, again Ryan," Brendon apologized again.
"Thank you for standing up for me, too," He added.
"Hey, don't worry. I see a potentially great friend in you, so there's no way in hell that I'm going to let some stupid jock hurt you. Besides, these bruises will heal. Please don't be sorry, its not even your fault that he's a dick," Ryan said sincerely.
With that, they made their way to the courtyard to wait for second period to start.
They hadn't been walking very long when the bell rang, they figured that they'd lost track of time. They stood still for a second as students started filling the space around them.
"Well, we have music next," Brendon said, raising his voice over the others.
He gently grabbed Ryan's wrist and began walking in the direction of the music room. As they walked in to the room and over to Brendon's desk, he realized that he was still holding Ryan's wrist. He looked up at the taller boy and blushed a little.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to borrow your arm for so long," Brendon said, then he realized how lame it sounded.
He blushed a little bit and Ryan just chuckled.
"Ah, that's cute. Don't worry about it. I could of pulled away, you know?" Ryan said adding a wink at the end.
He walked around the table to site next to Brendon. Ryan took a minute to actually look at Brendon as he fiddled with the rings of his red notebook. Ryan also took note of Brendon's red jeans and hoodie, coming to the conclusion that it must be his favorite color. Brendon had a very attractive profile. He had the longest eyelashes that Ryan had ever seen on a boy, perfect for his fudge colored eyes. His lips are the prettiest, pinkest lips he he's ever seen. He's a beautiful boy, and Ryan can tell that he has a story behind his eyes.
He must've been staring too long, because when he came back to reality, Brendon's face was competing with his jeans.
"What are you staring at?" Brendon asked blushing yet again.
"You. I'm sorry, though. I didn't mean to look that long," Ryan said, which brought on a slight blush as he smiled at Brendon who returned his smile.
"Hey, attention please!" Their teacher, Mr. Demarie said, gaining the class' attention.
"Today, I wan the class to get to know each other! We're going to play a game," The teacher said with an obscene amount of enthusiasm.
"Okay, all you have to do is stand up and say five things about yourself," Mr. Demarie said, clapping his hands.
"Ah, let's start with my favorite and yours.....Mr. Urie," He said, sitting down at his desk.
"Gee, THANKS MR. D!" Brendon said sarcastically with mock enthusiasm.
"Well, I'm Brendon and I play the guitar, the piano, and the cello. I like LOVE red, can you not tell? I have ADHD and probably shouldn't eat much sugar," He said and stopped for a second to think.
"I made a new friend today! Be jealous, he's great even though I kind of got his ass kicked earlier he still likes me, oh I probably shouldn't have said that. Anyway, I love music, hence my being here right now....talking to all of you wonderful people. I guess, I'm done now!" Brendon rambled.
"That was quite entertaining," Mr. D mused.
"Next!" He yelled.
Ryan stood up hesitantly as Brendon shot him a thumbs up.
"Hey, I'm Ryan Ross. Unlike Brendon, I'm sure that you don't know me. Just to get it over and done with, I'm gay...have been pretty much since I was born, I don't care if you don't like it. My favorite band is Third Eye Blind and I play the guitar and keyboard, sometimes piano. I moved to this school from Northbrooke, because I'm not solely composed of drama. I have four tattoos, they're addicting. I am addicted to coffee and," He trailed off.
"Oh, that was six, right? I'm done then, thanks guys," He said as he smiled at the class and sat down.
After the fifth person sat down, Brendon passed Ryan a note. Ryan quickly looked up to see if the teacher was looking, then opened note. It read:
Hey, buddy. It's Brendon..as if you didn't know. Anywho, you're gay?! I'm gay!! I think that my being gay could compliment the fact that you're gay. We should party!:)
-Brendon
Ryan immediately laughed out loud, causing every head in the room to turn to him. Soon after Brendon began laughing too. After their laughter died down, Mr. Demarie just gave them a stern look and went on with class. School went by fast and pretty soon, the day was over. Brendon was alone by the end of the day and quickly made his way to the "spot."
"Hey, do you guys wanna come over for a bit?" He questioned
He got a mixture of "Yeah," and "Mhm," from his friends.
"Hey, Ryan I know that you came with Spencer but you can ride with me," He offered with a small smile.
"Oh, thanks. Let's go then! See ya in a bit, Spence," Ryan said, waving to his cousin and the rest of the group.
He and Brendon made their way to Brendon's car. All they could do was manage two goofy smiles and that somehow seemed like something that would be happening a lot.
They listened to music as they sat in a comfortable silence as Brendon drove to his house. Fifteen minutes later, Brendon was opening the front door and welcoming his friends in.
"Hey Bren, FOOD, now?" Jon asked looking as if he was about to die of hunger.
"What a drama queen," Brendon thought with an amused expression.
"Um, there's food in the fridge, "Brendon said, sitting down next to Ryan on the sofa.
Jon all but sprinted into the kitchen.
"Aren't you hungry, too?" Ryan asked, pausing to look at Brendon.
"I mean, you didn't each lunch or anything," Ryan finished with a knowing look in his eyes.
"I'm fine," Brendon answered tight lipped. He had seen the look that Ryan was giving him and quickly looked away.
"He's right, Bren. You haven't been eating much lately," Spencer said.
"Fine, whatever. I'll eat something, even though I'M NOT HUNGRY," Brendon said through clenched teeth.
He got up from his seat and walked into the kitchen, then over to the refrigerator. He opened the door with disgust written all over his beautiful features just as Jon was walking out. He couldn't believe all the junk that Jon was eating. His eyes quickly scanned over the contents, settling on a pack of cheese slices and ham. He quickly made a small sandwich and sat at the bar to eat it.
With every bite, he could feel it threatening to push its way out of his throat. He forced it down, promising himself to take care of it at a more appropriate time. Tears started to well up as he fought the urge to run into the bathroom. He managed to get the last bits down and he ran to get a bottle of water. He drank and drank until he felt his stomach settling. He just wanted to cry, he had almost gone a whole day with fasting. All of his hard work was shot to hell.
Of course he wished that he could eat as much as Jon and not see himself as a disgusting piece of shit, but he can't. A part of him really doesn't even want to change. He's finally able to control something in his life. He wiped the unshed tears from the rims of his eyes and hoped that his cheeks would not betray him. He got himself together the best way he could and walked back into the living room.
"You feel better, don't you?" Spencer asked with a grin.
"NO, I don't feel better you dipshit," Brendon thought to himself.
He decided to say,"Yeah Spence, you were right."
Brendon's stomach started to turn again. He nervously started to bounce his knee to get his mind off of it. He sat quietly for 10 minutes, not being able to focus on anything else but the calories and amounts of mayonnaise that he'd used. It was all so wrong, he just couldn't stop thinking about it.
His head began to hurt and he knew that he'd have to find away to get everything out.
"Hey, I'll be back in a sec, guys. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom," He said, almost tasting the vomit already.
He stood up on shaky legs and tried to look as normal as possible as he speed-walked to the bathroom. He locked the door and turned the faucet on, as high as it would go. He carefully took off his shirt, in case it got messy and let his knees hit the tile once again. He went about his usual routine. He was heaving over the porcelain in no time. He tried to stay as quiet as he could, believing that the water would drown out anything that he couldn't conceal. He loved the familiar emptiness and the tears in his eyes.
He stayed in his position for a minute or two longer that he had to, lingering. He wanted to hold on the that nostalgic feeling for as long as he could. After that time, he raised himself up from the floor, flushed the evidence, and began to wash his mouth out. He splashed water on his face and wiped it dry, putting on his shirt and getting ready to keep up his front.
"Took you long enough?" Jon joked.
"Yeah, yeah. Shut up," Brendon said, with little motion.
"Well hey, we gotta go man," Spencer said and he got up to hug his friend goodbye.
"You should pay more attention to who sees your hands," Ryan said,hugging Brendon as everyone said their goodbyes and left.
Brendon's mouth hung slack as he watched the cars drive away from his house. Nobody has every paid that much attention to him, not even Spencer. He'd have to find a way to dismiss Ryan's thoughts and hide his hands.
He decided to forget about it and take a shower. He ventured upstairs and into his room to find more clothes. He chose a loose fitting pair of pajama pants and a shirt, opting to go commando after his shower. He piled his clothes on the counter in his bathroom and slid the shower door back, turning it on. He pulled his shirt over head, then ran his hands down his milky skin. His hands rested a the top of his jeans. He unbuttoned and took those off. He hooked his fingers at the waistband of his boxers and pulled them off, admiring the body that he hated in the mirror. He stepped into the shower, loving the warmth of the water.
He shut the door and let steam envelope the space. After pouring shower gel into his hand he began to rub his body. A short while into his shower, he started to lean into his touch. The mixture of heat and his fingers sliding across his chest made him bite his lip. He fingers traveled lower and lower until his right hand was sliding across his hip and down to his evident erection. He sucked in a breath as his thumb slid across the tip of his cock. He stroked faster and faster, squeezing the base. He gave a throaty moan as his back hit the shower wall for support. His bottom lip was red and swollen from the assault that his teeth had on it. He felt the muscles in his stomach tighten and his legs began to shake. with a few more flicks of his wrist, he came all over his hand and stomach. His head rolled back and he softened in his hand.
"Fuck, that was amazing," He said, in disbelief as he realized he was thinking about Ryan's hands on his body the whole time.
He shook it off and stood under the water again, finishing his shower. By the time he was dressed and out of the shower, his mother was calling him down for dinner. He called to her that he'd already eaten. She gave him a simple okay. He walked over to his bed and flopped down on it, grabbing his journal.
He wrote a few lines about the day and shut his journal. He looked up at the ceiling and lazily chucked the journal into the top drawer of his bedside table.
You should pay more attention to who sees your hands
You should pay more attention to who sees your hands
You should pay more attention to who sees—
Brendon covered his face and groaned. He just couldn't let the remark go.
"How could I slip like that? I'm a great liar! The king of all liars," Brendon rambled to himself.
Brendon turned over and slammed his fist into his pillow. After a good sulking session, he finally got to sleep.
The next morning Brendon felt surprisingly good as he at rubbed his eyes before opening them. He hopped out of bed and went to his closet. He laid out a pair of tight light blue jeans and a Mayday Parade shirt. He hummed the line of some unknown song as he headed to his bathroom to brush his teeth. After brushing, he looked at himself in the mirror and noticed that his collar bones looked very nice today. He smiled and returned to his room to get dressed.
He pulled off his pajama pants and shimmied into his jeans. He didn't bother with underwear since they were tight. After slipping on his shirt he went over to his closet and put on a pair of black vans with white trim.
He often had extreme days like this. He was either in an extremely good mood or a really crappy one.
He ran down stairs after fixing his hair and grabbed a piece of toast. |
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